well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
