My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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