I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
