ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
