I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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