Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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