fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
