I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
