Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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