Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
