Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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