just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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