there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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