yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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