i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
