nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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