I'm pants shitting drunk right now
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
