my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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