Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
