ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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