In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
