Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
