I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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