why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just invented taco cereal.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
