just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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