i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
