he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
