Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
