Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
