i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
