why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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