sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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