Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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