sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
