i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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