What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
