ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
