She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
