this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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