Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
