I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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