I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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