i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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