oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
