I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
