Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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