The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I take back everything I said about communal showers
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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