There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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