I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Randomize
