Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
