Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
