Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
dude. I can hear the air.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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