New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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