Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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