Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
